Outside

Outside I am:

Watching as they smile,

Listening as they laugh,

Sitting as they dance.

Looking away when they look back,

Glass walls holds me hostage.

But inside, I:

Press my face up to the view,

Of the people I once knew,

All reasons aside,

Let history slide,

Away from this room,

Away from this crowd,

Of blood like mine.

Wishing I was someone else,

Someone forgiven,

Someone brave,

Someone, unafraid,

Of wearing the dress,

Despite your brothers unsolicited shame.

Of dancing a mess,

Despite your body unwilling to be anything but tame.

For love of fun,

For connections and bonds,

For a string of familiarity I could never knit,

For a friendship spark from a candle never lit.

I sit here wishing, hoping, dreaming,

Of a life where I was in,

With those whom I love.

Of a life where I was one

With the laughter around me.

But instead I am me,

Solo girl on this whirlwind ride.

Face pressed against the glass,

Looking in, from the outside.

-N.B.

Escape

Green leaves, fallen too soon,

Crunch beneath my fast feet.

If only I could see above and below,

Simultaneous wishing, where reason and my wants meet.

“Stop running,” He says,

While my heart pace quickens and my legs itch to escape.

But his words can’t stop this nightmare.

Everyday the Earth crumbles beneath me,

And his words can’t make me safe.

So I run,

And all the while, eyes wide, I am scavenging for a new route,

Because happiness escaped me,

And I need a way out.

 

-N.B.

 

 

 

Too Far

Enconsced in the warm embrace of family,

I should be there.

Miles of distance separate,

For what purpose I ask myself as I sear.

Happiness out of reach,

Not here.

Circles envelope in my mind,

Of stories, or circumstances,

Of how they need me

And I, them.

My past plays on rewind.

As I sit here, perched in dilemmas,

And give birth to lifeless dreams,

This mindless heart reflects on her sorrows.

Too tired to try,

Too hurt to care.

Not here, I say.

I should be there.

-N.B.

Mellow Drama

This one is for my fiancé, who, on a daily basis, saves me from myself and my worst hidden fears.

This room has seen it all,

And yet its still standing, stark still.

Your mind wrapped up in a rectangle

Until my sigh blows with a telling chill.

Per usual, you see through my facade,

And when I tell you, “I am fine,”

My face caked with it’s lies,

You inch a little closer,

And peer into my eyes.

Inside you see the clear blue,

Pooling water, like the ocean

Just as the sun sets and the high tide rolls in,

Pulling me under,

Waves thrashing at my body,

Like knives thrown asunder.

It was just a question,

But now I am drowning

In all of my hidden sorrows,

And somehow you have an answer

For each ridiculous notion.

Somehow you throw me a lifeboat,

In my endless chaotic ocean.

-N.B.

Mice Become Men.

This is wrong, I feel.

Petty earthquakes shatter my ground,

As I arrive helpless and unaware

Of the damage left undone,

The words left unsaid,

The temper that equally, we do not share.

Perhaps it’s time

For mice to become men.

In this war I foresee,

In this battle I shall rage,

Against your damnation,

Against your sins,

Unlocking your narrow minded cage.

For this new place I had hope,

In this new place I found a hollow

Scapegoat of lies.

Your words will not damn me.

From this low, I shall rise.

-N.B.

Anxiety’s Mate

Shiver, shake, steely eyed glare.

Body falling, worm hole of doubt.

Plethora of words, but none to share.

Locked in a box with no way out.

Tic, toc,

I mumble as I wait

Still and watching an unforgiving clock.

My loves spills jokes, but none satiate,

Or comfort my mind

Wired and fearful,

I, anxiety’s mate.

Dawn breaks,

Will dread swallow me whole?

My hopeful heart wakes.

Only time will tell me

If I am to add this to my endless list of mistakes.

-N.B.

Red Sunflowers

Sitting here, I blankly stare

At the red sunflowers

Reflecting in the checkered

window’s frosty glare.

Rattling like a snake,

My mind slithers me back

To a time before I was crippled by judgement,

Reacting to every sound, every snap,

Assuming all corner’s lay mousetraps

And I, the hiding rat.

It was a time before my fingers froze,

My back stiffened and my vision blurred.

A time before I over explained,

Overdid and over endured.

A time before my answers to questions

Came out muddled and slurred.

So I blink twice

Unmoving, my body is heavy, my arms are slack,

But I manage to reel myself in

From a head of chaos and a soul of doubt.

“Who have I become,” I ask

To a window that does not talk back.

So I sit here and blankly stare,

At red sunflowers,

Chopped and lifeless, without a care.

-N.B.