Life Boat

Cracking through the sunlight

Of criticism’s dawn.

But wait, turn your light on-

Through the dim mist of that mind

Tiresome, sore, war-torn,

Perspective

You throw around like careless pennies,

Into the water but they don’t sink-

They drown,

Like me, but I’m still holding my breath,

For what’s left-

Hungry eyes peering up through murky depths.

A life boat couldn’t come sooner.

-N.B.

Broken

I do not expect you to understand.

Every time you bear witness to my tears, I feel ashamed.

You see, every time I go back, this wound tears apart, never healed,

A fresh cut, bright red, only stings.

I scurry to piece together my bandaged, broken wings.

This hole, I have yet to fill,

Will swallow me whole.

I am numb to the world around me,

Because up until now, I have not reckoned,

When my vulnerabilities beckoned,

For me to try, For me to heal.

Around me, I never wanted this to revolve.

With me, I only wanted to deal,

And resolve,

My broken heart.

And, no, I do not need your guilt.

This plight is blameless,

If my tears are shameless.

What I need is you to tell me, “It will all be okay,”

What I need is your promise that there is a better way.

-N.B.

Outside

Outside I am:

Watching as they smile,

Listening as they laugh,

Sitting as they dance.

Looking away when they look back,

Glass walls holds me hostage.

But inside, I:

Press my face up to the view,

Of the people I once knew,

All reasons aside,

Let history slide,

Away from this room,

Away from this crowd,

Of blood like mine.

Wishing I was someone else,

Someone forgiven,

Someone brave,

Someone, unafraid,

Of wearing the dress,

Despite your brothers unsolicited shame.

Of dancing a mess,

Despite your body unwilling to be anything but tame.

For love of fun,

For connections and bonds,

For a string of familiarity I could never knit,

For a friendship spark from a candle never lit.

I sit here wishing, hoping, dreaming,

Of a life where I was in,

With those whom I love.

Of a life where I was one

With the laughter around me.

But instead I am me,

Solo girl on this whirlwind ride.

Face pressed against the glass,

Looking in, from the outside.

-N.B.

I Am The Troll

Please do not tell me I am not who I am,

Though my worth has dwindled

From the girl I have been.

Heavy winds free my soul,

Sweep me up into your storm.

Self awareness formed this bridge,

And now I pay the toll.

To know oneself truly,

Cuts deep into shallow skin,

Fresh blood pools in waves,

Crashing and burning deep within.

Who am I, I now ask,

The naysayer who tore me in half,

The disbeliever who crushed my spirit,

The false friend who would not hear it.

Those around me,

Who pocket my blame,

In a coat, on a rainy day,

Disappear behind glass windows

Of the house I call my home.

In my home, which I call safe.

Spiteful souls, there are none.

But as a I gaze into the mirror,

And look upon my broken face,

I see the truth reflecting back,

Behind the barrel of a gun.

-N.B.

Escape

Green leaves, fallen too soon,

Crunch beneath my fast feet.

If only I could see above and below,

Simultaneous wishing, where reason and my wants meet.

“Stop running,” He says,

While my heart pace quickens and my legs itch to escape.

But his words can’t stop this nightmare.

Everyday the Earth crumbles beneath me,

And his words can’t make me safe.

So I run,

And all the while, eyes wide, I am scavenging for a new route,

Because happiness escaped me,

And I need a way out.

 

-N.B.

 

 

 

Too Far

Enconsced in the warm embrace of family,

I should be there.

Miles of distance separate,

For what purpose I ask myself as I sear.

Happiness out of reach,

Not here.

Circles envelope in my mind,

Of stories, or circumstances,

Of how they need me

And I, them.

My past plays on rewind.

As I sit here, perched in dilemmas,

And give birth to lifeless dreams,

This mindless heart reflects on her sorrows.

Too tired to try,

Too hurt to care.

Not here, I say.

I should be there.

-N.B.