Introduction to Nina Bell

Most of my life, I have been plagued by the feeling of being alone.  Not necessarily loneliness, but not fully being understood or accepted.  Maybe it was because my voice was soft and, often, went unheard.  Maybe it was the cruel words of some of my peers, who thought I was odd, quiet and negligible.  Maybe it was all that time I spent growing up, by myself, in my room, with my books and my journals.

Maybe it was me.

As a child, I wrote to unload the heavy weight of emotions I could not comprehend.  As an adult, I write for the same reasons.  But, this time I chose to share.

I created Nina Bell so she could write the words I could not say.  I knew I would never fit under the Bell Curve of normalcy.  Thus, I created my own.  Nina, whose bell, I always had a spot to sit under and, whose words, never made me feel alone.

The Cruelest Tale.

My mistake was looking behind me,

My mistake was turning around.

My mistake was seeing an old picture.

Cruel memories brought my knees to the ground.

Had I not been so ignorant, would anything have changed?

If my hands had reached for yours sooner,

Would your conscious mind still be engaged?

Daddy, I am sorry, I know that I failed you.

I have no profound words to unfold.

My tongue has recoiled to my lung’s bottom,

Because I know where this illness will lead us,

And I want your real story to be told.

One day you will not remember me, the boys or even Mom.

You won’t remember the days when you drove me to school.

You won’t remember how you always answered my calls.

You won’t know how your love made us whole,

How your unconditional support made us steady,

Instead, you will be left with confusion.

Instead, you will pay a steep toll.

My mistake was not knowing how to fix you.

My mistake was ignoring the pendulum sway.

Daddy, I will do right and remember the man you once were,

Before the storm sweeps all of our memories away.

-N.B.

Owl in the Night

Brown eyes like murky wells so deep, they stare me down in the night.

Blinking back my shallow depths, I hopelessly peer,

For I have lost my sight.

Time passes, I carry on.

What have I to fear, as I saunter towards the facade of the light.

Nothing, or so it appears, waits for me here,

But if my eyes could dig deeper,

Like sharp claws to a loose branch,

Then those eyes could guide me home,

My owl in the night.

-N.B.

Hidden

My eyes wide with confusion,

Furrowed brows, clasped hands, hollow lips,

As my teeth dug as deep

As my nails in red, torn skin.

Wishing I could start again.

One massive, personality transfusion.

My tongue, numb to true words spoken,

But, oh, how I wished that you had seen me.

How I wished that you knew my soul.

But, really, how could you?

Human eyes are blind in the dark

And I am the burrowed mole.

-N.B.

Nightmare

I live in a daydream,

No, its a nightmare.

As the end of the day draws near,

I have run my soul into the ground,

Dragged my heart across the dirt,

Wrecked my brain into oblivion.

Separation is the key

Element I can not produce.

As I watch my father decline,

Waves of desperation strike like a tsunami.

I have no light to shine.

Out of his mouth spreads

Insanity like wildfire.

His mind is a factory of delusions,

New productions never tire.

I have lost myself in this endeavor,

To right the wrongs he spouts.

Body numb from all the chaos,

Eyes glazed over, I blankly stare.

Now I live here in this daydream.

No, I live here in this nightmare.

-N.B.

Tiger in the Clouds

Eyes wide, turned up toward the sky,

images flash like bright shadows in my mind.

he told me to jump,

And so I asked him, “how high?”

Come dawn, I feel afire.

Hope is teeming from my soul.

Come night, my grip is fleeting,

Not a helper, just a liar.

No soft words could bring me home,

I’ve lost my way in this delusion.

So have my sanity wrapped in shrouds

But leave my body lying flat,

So my eyes can stay wide and watching

At the tiger in the clouds.

-N.B.